It's about half past two in the morning. It is Republic Day today. But, I'm spending it at the office. Working. It's my first night out in office and there is some cheap thrill which arises from putting night out in the office even though you might bitch to everyone else about how hard you're working and all. so, please to be noting point.

 My colleagues and I have decided to take a break for half an hour and resume at two thirty after a well- deserved coffee break! So, i decided that i shall blog.

I've enrolled myself in a gymnasium to ostensibly lose weight. But the real highlight of the gym is to listen to lots of people's views on life and observe a lot of interesting things for myself.

Day 7:

Kausha is pedaling away slowly on a cycle hoping he can slowly shrink and slink away from this activity.

Fat young lady to Kausha: Are you done with the cycle?

Kausha: i'll be done in about 10 mins

Fat lady(immediately): Get off. I want to pedal!

Day 16

Kausha is sweating on a cross trainer with 7 minutes to go for the full round.

Man on treadmill to woman on cycle: Hi di, your arms are looking like very toned. You must be so fit na!

Girl: (mumbles incoherently)

Man: so, where do you want to go for New Years?

Me:WTF just happened here??

Day 21

Kausha is setting off rather purposefully to get card signed by cute lady instructor Alka.

Woman with maajorly freaked blonde hair to Naaji clone: So, it's so nice to see you here again,(jump cut to a quick caress of his muscles)

Naaji clone: Haan yaar, you're looking gorgeous btw.

Freako: Oh shut up ya. But i already knew that!

They both air kiss and go away.

Day 29

Kausha is trying to put up a semblance of doing stomach crunches and squats. It is made bearable by the fact that they were actaully playing 'Communication Breakdown' in the gym!!

Stupid instructor decides to be cool and plays ze trance music. It starts off tooguduk, tooguduk,tooguduk and the instructor starts to commence his aerobic lesson

Kausha grits his teeth and goes away. His revenge will be reserved for another day.

What is the point of these anecdotes? It is to let you know that i'm very much ok. But it is also to reiterate that I live an eventful life and ensure that my time in the gym is eventful to say the least..

It's part of life that the gym is filled with extremely good looking older women but then even worse are the leery bastards. What else? Yeah, tehy actually played "Led Zeppelin' for an hour on one day. But afterward, the trance curse seems to have hit the instructors and they actually think that all the songs are different, when actually one song will not have the 'toing' sound at the end of it like a spring unlike the others. A huge difference you'd think wouldn't you?

But, this gym has miraculously allowed me to lose weight. But, if you want to join my gym; a word of advice. Run like the wind in the opposite direction. God help you only!

A friend recently said he was starting to churn out stuff for readers and all that. He was trying to write his blog posts for his audience as a couple of his posts were picked up by Indian Uncut and DesiPundit. He felt that his posts were becoming far less frequent and he wasn’t writing for the joy of it anymore. I felt that sometime too. But then one tries to be the best at everything one does. I even wanted greater blog hits and more comments above all else.

But that is all passé. I wanted to write about a few things, which bothered me, and writing about them will finally give me the release I’ve been seeking.

I wrote a few exams recently. I did fairly well in one of them. Well, enough to place me above a large number of people. But then I was passed over for a few people below me and that rankles still. Before my actual results came, I knew I had not made the next round. But, I faced the same criticism as before. Lack of focus and intensity. But as the results trickled in, it became obvious that I had done well and a little push at the top might have seen me through to the places I supposedly wanted to go. But as the days go by and I’m learning slowly. Each day, as clichéd as that may sound is an education in itself.

RK told me something really important. If you experience a major disappointment, just keep yourself as occupied as possible, which would definitely place you in a better position to handle things better from there.

A family friend recently told me to take it easy and keep track of the person I wanted to be and not the person you perceive you should be like. To be fair to my parents, they have never placed pressure on me. There was just this time in my life where I wasn’t in a position to handle pressure too well which led to me goofing things up. But, when you have so many peers and family members who have achieved so much, it’s the small seemingly innocuous statements, which set things off. My brother had to endure a really snide remark about the fact that his parents went to IIM and he was just in Symbiosis. These are the kind of remarks, which slowly build up and develop into something big. He was furious and remarks like these have set me off as well in the past. Intense anger followed by depression and oodles of self-doubt.

I know I’m still chasing shadows. Shades of self- doubt envelop me, numbing me into darkness. But I know, one day that I shall show you all. As much as I say, I’m trying not to prove a point. I’d be lying. I’m telling you now, that at some level I want to look people in the eye and say I’ve achieved certain things. But that approval is something you seek from society and so do I shamelessly.

The caste system was an interesting thing that you usually went and did what your father did. Would that have simplified a lot of options for me I wonder? Coincidentally, my dad and me are Economics graduates. My mother is a Maths graduate and my brother is an aspiring lawyer. Coming from very supportive families whose dreams were not to see Dubba and me do Comp. Sci at IIT Madras, I am extremely grateful and thankful.

The last few weeks I’ve experienced various highs and lows. But also, a small thank you again to my friends who were sweet enough to call, plus really concerned about me and stay in touch during the period. As much as the space was good, I’m much happier that you decided to stay in touch and show that you cared. Also, to some friendships which look extremely promising!

31^st December 2005

Venue: Kausha's

The Usual Suspects: Granny, Prat, Bovine Boy, Dubs, Dit, The BFG, Smutty & Yours truly-Chandu

In a tradition passed down from the dawn of civilization, men have gathered in a sacred rite to mark the beginnings of each year. Sharing a bond born of blood, fire and secrets, this rite has always served as man's anchor in this maelstrom of a world. RRRRiigghhtt! The New Year is just another excuse for underage guys to get legally shitfaced! And New Years, 2006 was no different.

But the question that cripples me is how does one begin to describe the embarrassing events that surround the advent of a new year? Is there really a dignified way to air dirty laundry (yours or anyone else's) in public? And in the 3 minutes between being struck by the epiphany of writing about our new years, and trying to think of anything worthwhile to say on the topic, I have not yet found a way to make our attempts to usher in the new year sound any more interesting or any less stupid. So let this epic tale of ordinary men driven to excesses (inter-spaced liberally with sizzling gypsies), be judged on its own merit….

As with any gathering, our tale begins with the entry of a character. Literally. Granny (yes, that's what we call him) arrived in Bangalore on the morning of the 31^st, amid the smoky aftermath of the terrorist attacks. A few of our ragtag, sleep-deprived ensemble were waiting at the station, huddled together (only to share body warmth! I swear!), with dripping noses, sore throats and various other maladies. We were to be (paraphrased from the shrill, haunting words of Gran) the pitiful shield between Gran and the nefarious terrorists (as much as one dirty midget, one sniffling, slightly unco-ordinated, pajama-clad giant, and one quiet lad sworn to non-violence can be!).Once Gran's various pieces of luggage were collected, we proceeded to rejoin the rest of our troupe at Chateau Sridhar (sounds smoother than 'Kaushik's house'), with a small stop to drop off some homemade cake (hence the name "Granny") on the way. This little diversion (only 20 km in the diametrically opposite direction to our intended destination) was deemed "more efficient" by Gran (meaning that it would save him from having to find the place by himself in an auto).

Breaking from tradition, the Committee of the Enlightened (basically, the most vociferous of us) elected to stick with an itinerary of "in-house activity", to avoid the potentially embarrassing consequences of being accidentally blown up by the few well-meaning "freedom fighters" wandering round the city (may be for a new years party of their own!). So the day was spent pursuing various humanitarian endeavours around the mansion. Certain people like Bovine Boy (another of our illustrious crowd), who dreams of moonlighting as a superhero, and believes the only requirement is to don a dashing "super-outfit" made of a strategically-positioned scrap of diaphanous material (basically, a see-through 'thorthe') even developed intimate, near-erotic relations with certain pieces of audiovisual equipment (a disturbing situation that we all tried very hard to ignore). We dined in style on mouth-watering platters of traditional South Indian delicacies at prescribed intervals, interspaced with brief periods of group and individual "transcendental meditation"(read "sleep"). The more intellectual of the group (intelligence being defined as the ability to recognize and sometimes spell one's own name) also spent the afternoon hours reviewing and discussing a film of great social and political import, made by a little known, critically acclaimed, foreign film director, Q. Tarrentino (I can't really remember much. I was deep in "meditation". Apparently, I was classified 'retarded').

A whole day of confinement drove Prat  (no, it's not just a clever name. He really is one), who was used to spending his days on numerous "walks", restless. Not with motives involving being closer to nature as I first believed, but rather, for the purpose of regular self-medication. This medication consisted of extensive herbal treatments, mostly based on the inhalation of noxious vapours, apparently based on the ancient traditions of the Sioux tribe of American Indians (ask stupid questions…!). BFG (a.k.a. Kaushik), still clad in only his pajamas and with pitiful motor co-ordination, but noticeably less sniffling, set out to find the last of our gang. And I, who was by now, a somewhat less dirty "little person" (that's what we like being called now) was conscripted to go along (what else could u call being tucked under someone's armpit as they marched off?). I'm sorry to say that we found the last member of our octet already a quite inebriated. I can only assume that the extreme trauma of having to find a single house in the city one was birthed and reared in, drove Smutty (a sleazy-looking, skinny, bespectacled boy possessing a few strands of straggly-facial hair, who's behaviour seems to resemble that of a stereotypical dark alleyway purveyor-of-pornography or child molester) to "orient" himself at various intervals along the way to meet us.

The reunion of our band after so many months was sentimental (ok, I was the only one crying!). But soon the old and comforting patterns of abuse and liberal vitriolic exchanges resurfaced and I think, reassured each one of us of the many reasons why we had been forced together all those years ago by the other residents of our hostel. What followed that evening could only be described as a soul-searching journey comparable to any of those described in those self-help books, for each one of us.  

By 12 am, January, 2006, Bovine Boy had become a little difficult (read, "a mean f**king drunk!") and decided to "bond" with various members of Kaushik's family. He later took to having many, rather "one-sided, conversations with a commode"(the details of which would probably gross you out), assisted by the helpful inputs of our legal eagle, Dubs (whose skillful and witty needling of the pathetic, fat, drunk was exemplified by the immortal line, "Achtung, Fatty!). I must admit that this embarrassing "outpouring of emotion"(puking, interrupted by the passionate hugging of BFG along with tearful cries of, "Hold me, Kausha!") was probably the most significant event of the night. Prat also livened up the situation by taking it upon himself to suddenly breakout into an impromptu demonstration of some self-choreographed dance moves (which looked surprisingly similar to an epileptic fit) which unfortunately, was not very well appreciated by certain parties (alarmists!). But how did we usher in the first few minutes of the New Year? Testing various laws of physics under the inspirational leadership of Bovine Boy (basically, trying to keep a 90kg dumbass upright and from accidentally drowning himself in a toilet bowl!). Suffice to say that that particular idea did not go down well with the rest of the group (we would have killed him if there had been any way to get rid of a carcass of such gargantuan proportions!). So the decision was taken to "retire" our erstwhile leader (four reasonably strong men had to carry the comatose f****r down two flights of stairs! Science has proven that there is no shorter or easier way to give yourself a violent hernia!). Once the painful act was done, however, the rest of us decided to put it behind us and carry on in the true spirit of this ancient tradition (drink till dawn, or till you drop!). Soon, spirits were flowing freely again and morale was as high as it could be! A time of sharing confidences (about crushes, girlfriends blah blah blah) was interspaced with self-esteem-building exercises lead by BFG (repeated, slurred statements of "Yoorrrr da maannnn!" in an American Born Confused Deshi accent, to everyone). Finally around 4 A.M., with nothing but dregs left of the ceremonial wine (read "all the booze) the few of us not caught up in the throes of near-religious ecstasy (ones closest to sobriety) slowly led the others down to sleep . And thus ended the rite, and our contribution to the history of man.

Here endeth my tale of Men and Gods. Granted, there were no 'sizzling gypsies' but then this was always a simple, uncomplicated tale of drunks. And what would sizzling gypsies have to do in such a tale? I mean, really?!      

The song starts playing, the music starts. You start humming along. You recognise the song and you're slowly tring to place the song. The words come back to you slowly and you grope for more. You piece the words one by one . In the process you're reliving a memory of the past.

You find the words to the song, you exult. It is similar to meeting an old friend after a long time. You piece your happy times together and you catch up. There is the joy.

The lyric and the friend together at last. It reminds me of this beautiful lyric

'Death continues,

To stop us,

Sometimes gently, mostly not

I'm at the age when

Love once died

And as I look

I can't understand why.'

A very Happy New year to you all.

May the best of your past be the worst of your future!

Another year end. Welcome to another meme. Have been tagged by Roswitha. This is the first time I've been tagged. So let's see if you find something about me which you didn't already know

 The 10 step guide to Kausha

- How can I tell if you are angry?

Well I usually tend to be rather quiet and tend to shut off. A far cry from my usual talkative self. If I meet you for the first time and i'm that quiet, ignore it! I'm rather shy as well
 

- How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? How is it best to comfort you?

A hug helps and yeah, someone to have a beer with. Ze BEER is the greatest chill out drink to have with friends.
 
- Are there things we should not discuss?

Yeah. My weight. Also, any conversations about ex-girlfriends and relationships. Anything derogatory about my friends will be met with a stern rebuke from me
.'

- How should I treat you if you are physically ill?
 Try carrying me!! You'd wish you were dead. Hell, I'd ensure you'd die with my imposing bulk. Also, I'll kill you if you start waving or making suggestions about needles near me. Keep them pointy sharp things to yourself.

- What makes you happy, that's in my power to grant as a friend?

Be there for me, Partake in the 'koothu' we will get up together. Also books, CD's, expensive watches, the likes are welcome. I'd never look a gift horse in the mouth na!
 

- How would you like us to recognize your birthday?
 - Are there any standing categories of presents that would be inappropriate or unwelcome?
 No self help books, loud cologne, hair gel etc.Also just be there for my birthday and I'd be more than happy

- Are there any kinds of presents you love?

Books, music and even more of it.
 

- Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable..

Not really. There is one cycle of depression and I'm generally fighting to break that cycle.



- Are there times of year that are happy for you?
Yeah, summer usually is because it means being able to swim and eat ice cream from the ice cream cart everyday and also summer showers to fool around in Bangalore with friends have made it a really happy time for me.

I hereby tag all ye faithful readers. Try and replicate this experience on your blog.

Happy New Year to all, in advance!